Feelings:
This is a great topic and although I should know what I feel at this point, my feelings are smothered. What does that mean? I am not entirely sure to be honest. I just know that everyone reacts to situations differently. Larry left the day before my birthday. Before leaving for his unit, he says to me "Do not cry Elisha". I replied, "Don't worry, I will not cry". Why? Because I hate letting others see me cry. I feel vulnerable when it happens. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeves around those I loved and trusted and at times it bit me in the back side. His reasoning for not wanting me to cry was different than my own of course. He can sit and watch a man cry all day, probably even laugh about it (I am not sure), but seeing a woman cry makes him sad. After he finished packing, he went for a nap. I have a few minutes of tears and then I got up and finished doing what needed to be done. I dreaded going to his unit, for fear that I would not be able to control my emotions. This is not a new experience for me, yet in a sense it is. He is going to a place that he's never been and while I cannot talk about what it is that he will do, it scares the shit out of me quite frankly. I threw my sunglasses on and decided it was time to go. I wore them on top of my head. Having them there was like a security blanket. Out of the four hours I was there, I got to spend about 35 minutes with him. I will not complain though, because that is more time than some soldiers had to spend with their loved ones. We said our goodbyes and my heart felt like it sunk to my feet. At this point, I had not shed a tear. I went to breakfast with a friend and she was bawling. What did I do? I started cracking jokes. I am not sure if I am broken or not..... I have yet to cry and its been over 86 hours. I am sure that when the tears come, they will come hard. Until then, I guess I will just ponder my feelings and doubts.
