Feelings:

Feelings:

This is a great topic and although I should know what I feel at this point, my feelings are smothered. What does that mean? I am not entirely sure to be honest. I just know that everyone reacts to situations differently. Larry left the day before my birthday. Before leaving for his unit, he says to me "Do not cry Elisha". I replied, "Don't worry, I will not cry". Why? Because I hate letting others see me cry. I feel vulnerable when it happens. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeves around those I loved and trusted and at times it bit me in the back side. His reasoning for not wanting me to cry was different than my own of course. He can sit and watch a man cry all day, probably even laugh about it (I am not sure), but seeing a woman cry makes him sad. After he finished packing, he went for a nap. I have a few minutes of tears and then I got up and finished doing what needed to be done. I dreaded going to his unit, for fear that I would not be able to control my emotions. This is not a new experience for me, yet in a sense it is. He is going to a place that he's never been and while I cannot talk about what it is that he will do, it scares the shit out of me quite frankly. I threw my sunglasses on and decided it was time to go. I wore them on top of my head. Having them there was like a security blanket. Out of the four hours I was there, I got to spend about 35 minutes with him. I will not complain though, because that is more time than some soldiers had to spend with their loved ones. We said our goodbyes and my heart felt like it sunk to my feet. At this point, I had not shed a tear. I went to breakfast with a friend and she was bawling. What did I do? I started cracking jokes. I am not sure if I am broken or not..... I have yet to cry and its been over 86 hours. I am sure that when the tears come, they will come hard. Until then, I guess I will just ponder my feelings and doubts.

These are times of annoyance:

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying not to lose my patience with people, yet this seems to become more difficult daily. I love my family, I really do. But, I get sick of hearing: "When are you coming back to Georgia?” I cannot answer this question!!!!! Why is it that those who ask me cannot come and visit me? I mean really they have fewer kids then we do. They do not have animals that they have to "really" worry about. What I mean by that is: their animals are used to being kept outside. You give a neighbor a bag of food and he/she can give it to them once a day with water. I have to kennel 2 dogs and a cat. I am sorry but I will not be spending my husbands' block leave on traveling, especially considering that he will be leaving shortly afterwards.

Where to begin?

I am not even sure where to begin. The last 10 days have brought about a lot of grief and heartache. My sister is battling COPD. She was hospitalized last week. Thankfully they caught it on time this go around and she did not have to spend 2 weeks or a month in the hospital. She was also not in acoma which is great! For that I am truly thankful. Larry left on Sunday and even though he leaves a lot, he asked me something on Friday that I am still trying to process. I really do not want to talk about it on here but a few of my friends that read know what I am talking about. It has had me very emotional lately. I have a friend who's 12 year old son was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Another friends brother died on Monday. I found out on Wednesday that a family friend was ran over by her own car. She pulled over to use her cell phone. She is in her 50's, so I guess she does not do the bluetooth thing. During her phone call, her grandbaby unlocked herself from her carseat. Of course she had to get out of the car in order to rebuckle her before she took off again. She thought that she had the car in park, but unfortunately she did not. She was unable to move fast enough to get back into the car, so she grabbed the steering wheel in order to try and have the car go into the ditch instead of traffic. The car hit a bump and she let go of the wheel and tripped. The car ran over her leg. She was taken to the ER and they told her she would be fine that it was just banged up. A few days later she was hospitalized, because her leg become infected. She is now battling that and praying that she does not lose her leg due to infection. Then today I log onto Facebook and one of my friends posted that her husband was injured last week in Afghanistan and is now paralyzed from the lower back down. As of right now, they are predicting that he will not walk. To top it all off I am sick so my hormones are very wacky. I always want my family (mom, Larry, or best friend) when I am sick. I need to remember that when I am getting aggravated with my kids because they are fighting, that at least they have that fight in them to do so.

Valuable Lesson

Last night I had trouble falling asleep. I think a lot of it has to due to recent stress. Mainly the current class that I am taking. Anyways, Facebook has this little feature where you can get a notification of your friends' updates. I do not have her on my notification, so there are times in which I miss her post, as well as many others. I talked to my mom earlier yesterday and she told me my other sister had been readmitted to the hospital. Long story short (or shorter I hope), I went on my sisters page and on her status she said: "________ will be deploying in seven days". Of course Facebook has a date on it and everything, so I said to her "Hey lady, you should not post days". Well, I was talking to my mom and I mentioned it. She basically bit my head off. She told me, "That is your sister and you should not try to embarrass her on Facebook. Instead you should have picked up the phone and called her." My intentions were not to embarrass my sister, I was just thinking of her "friends" safety. I explained that it was after midnight when I commented. She told me, "Well you should have text her". I said, "Wow, I will call her and apologize, because my intentions were not to be bitchy or to hurt her in anyway". She was like, "No, just remember next time she is your sister and its fine to say that to your friends but not family". Oy...vey since my other sister got sick my mom has been very cranky. I called my sister and apologized. She laughed, and said, "You do not need to apologize. I did not realize I wrote out a number of days until you said something." I told her, "Well I was told tonight I am to military and need to chill out". She laughed again and said, "No you did the right thing. Just do not say anything to mama next time". I suppose not....

September 11th

Even though it has been 11 years since we as Americans have dealt with such a tragedy as 9/11, the feeling that I experienced that day are still raw and bring me to tears. I do not think we will ever get the answers we need to move past why these horrific events happened. What I mean is we will never know what makes people tick and do the things that they do.

Eleven years ago today, I got Caleb and Cameron ready for school. I was dragging because I had only slept about 4 hours the previous night. I remember staying up sobbing into my pillows because just 15 hours before I dropped Larry off for "our" first deployment. In a sense I needed coffee to help me get through the day. I was already emotional because I was four months pregnant with Alexis. I made my coffee and called Alexis' godmother. This was a routine thing where we talked to each other for about an hour in the morning before getting our day started. I had just sat down on the couch and had my head tilted towards the floor. I heard my friend GASP. She screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT?" I replied, "What?" And then the media did a replay of the first plane crashing into the tower. I was in shock, I felt that these types of things only happened in movies. A few minutes passed and we were finally able to talk and then the second tower was hit. I started bawling. I had never witness anything like that in my life. A few more minutes passed and I received a phone call. The person said, "The guys plane did not leave on time and it is believed that they were heading through New York City". I thought my heart was going to stop and I remember sobbing. I am not sure how long this went on but eventually I was able to gain control and make phone calls to my ladies. I remember sitting in the driveway thinking "What if Larry never gets to meet his first biological child. Who he has already determined was a little girl." I sobbed some more. Then I received a phone call from my friend Debbie asking me how I was. I really did not have any words for my emotions at the time. She told me she was on the way over to my house. By this time everything seemed like a blur and it was around 1 p.m. She asked me what I had ate and I said nothing. At this point eating was the last thing on my mind. She insisted that we went to grab something to eat. Finally, after talking to my friend upstairs and making arrangements with her to get Caleb off the bus, we headed to Burger King. Fort Drum was a small post at the time and often there was not a lot of activity, but this day it seemed like we were in a ghost town. We were told, "If you go off post, you may not get back on". Security was high and everything was starting to shut down. I begin to freak out that Cameron would not be able to get back home. I cried more because he was only in first grade and I knew that he would not understand the extent of what was going on.

Fortunately, the buses were allowed on and I called the schools to let them know that the boys would not be in school the next day. Cameron understanding more than most kids his age was impressionable and I knew that I had to calm myself in order to not freak him out. That night he peed in the bed for the first time in over three years. At almost 9 pm, I received a call from the FRG leader that the guys made it safely to their destination. I remember crying again and before I could finish my phone conversation with her, an incoming call was appearing on my caller ID. I told her I had to go and clicked over before she had time to respond. I heard the most beautiful voice ever. My husband! His Captain (we call him wild Bill) was concerned for me and allowed him to give me a 5 minute call. I learned that the guys were in Ireland when the planes hit and were not allowed outside of the airport were not informed as to why. The guys were kept on the plane once they landed until someone could brief them on what was going on. Of course many of them thought it was a "mission tactic" for training and then they played the clips. Silence is all that was heard. I am forever thankful that I had those friends in my life that day that helped me to get through it. And I am grateful that my husband is still with me this day.

Moods....

There are a lot of changes going on around here lately. Caleb has official hit puberty and he is so mouthy. I know a lot of this does have to do with his age, but I wonder how much has to do with his disorder. Yesterday was their first day back to school. By 8 pm, I was seriously ready to hang him up by his toes. I was not able to get much sleep because all these thoughts were going through my head. Of course Larry was on the range so I could not get a relief from him. I wanted to scream. I do not think the neighbors would like that too much though. And if I go into the shower and scream, I would assume that the kids would think I was hurt. Not a good situation to be in. I have been struggling for over a year now with eating when I become stressed. I never understood why so many people done this. I guess it gives the brain relief for a few minutes and keeps the mouth from saying things that may be regrettable later. He woke up again this morning in a horrible/difant mood. So I decided since I had to get ready for a briefing and yesterday was horrible that I would cancel his tutoring today. He actually come home in a pretty good mood but by 8 tonight he was at it again. I really hope that I can figure out something to do with him. Now I have to find my misplaced cell phone and to be honest I really could careless right now where it is.

Drama llama....

I've never experiences so much drama in my life until I met these people in my neighborhood. I swear senior NCOs' wives are the worst. Maybe it has to do with "their" entitlement. For the most part I am a nice person, but when someone crossed the line with my kids I tend to get a little ghetto. Especially when he is being slandered all over Facebook for the world to see. So in order to resolve this issue, I will be getting to the bottom of it today.

Frustration levels are high

Well it is obvious from the title that this a venting post. I am extremely frustrated right now. Between a friend who think she knows it all and a cranky husband, I am ready to run away for a few days. I sent a message to another friend the other night to talk about the Navy, because as I stated before I would rather Cameron take the route of joining the Navy or Air Force. So this friend sends me back some great information in which I am extremely grateful for, but now I have to do some more research. I hope that Cameron chooses the Navy, but of course the ultimate decision is his. Everyone else including the friend I am annoyed with insist that he needs to join the Air Force. Nothing against the Air Force, but I have my reasons of why I want him to go Navy. I tried to explain Cameron's intentions and was told that "Oh that is a bad choice". Oh.... OK. This friend was snappy with Alexis yesterday too because her husbands' plans were messed up this weekend. Hello! Welcome to the military. You are not new to this and instead of taking it out on my kid, vent to your husband. Where is this going to get you? NOWHERE!!!!! My husband's weekend is messed up too and you know what: I have to live with it. I am to the point where I want to say screw everyone and just lock myself up inside my house until we move to Montana. Because if this crap continues someones going to get their feelings hurt and it will not be my daughter again.

Dreams

As a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a doctor or nurse when I grew up. I love the role of helping others and I think this was my fascination. When I was very young I become a mother. After my child vomited on me I realized that the medical field was not in the card for me at that time. Years went by and I decided that I wanted to do physical therapy, again the appeal of helping others was so memorizing. Unfortunately, the closest school is three hours away. So, I decided "OK maybe helping others is not in the cards". I decided I would be a Health Care Administrator and just be behind the lines doing paperwork. Somehow my schedule/course was messed up and I was already five classes in before I realized what the heck was going on. I was enrolled in the Health and Human Resources program. In all honesty, I believe this is where my calling is. I will be able to help others just in a different way. I dream of working on the reservation while going back to school to finish my masters' degree. I long to be a Mental Health Counselor. I believe that one person can definitely make a difference in another persons' life. Even though I have not always enjoyed my experience here at our current duty station, I know that life has meaning. There was a reason why "we" needed to be here. I needed to be here in order to realize how important life is. I needed to be here to realize how important friendship is. And, I needed to be here to realize just how important my education was. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I really do look forward to the journey.

Frumpy....

Is frumpy really a word? I am not sure but it is how I feel today. I am down to being able to fit in one pair of my jeans. You read that right "ONE PAIR"! It is quite annoying and I feel like my body is at a standstill. I thought that once I went off of the DEPO that I wouls start to loose some of the weight I gained. And although I have lost 4-5 pounds, it is not enough. I guess I need to stop waiting to find a gym buddy and just get motivated myself. That is a lot easier said than done. Although I am social, I have come to the conclusion that people just irritate me. Especially because many of them are not on the same passage as I am. I do not want to be a size 2 again, but a 7 would not hurt. It is actually my ideal size, because I can always find something I like. I am giving myself 3 months to get unplump that way we can get a family picture taken. It has been 3 years since we have done so. Tomorrow I will reenter the whole workout regiment. Time is ticking and I am not getting any younger.